Dear You,

I saw you again last night. It was a good dream. I wonder where you are at this moment. Are you working? Are you with someone? Some one special, more special than I ever could have been? Or are you alone, alone in your room with the soft sunlight of late twilight filling up the room, making it more dark than bright, making you more pensive than thoughtful? I don’t know what you are doing. I can, but only, assume. I don’t think I will ever know again. 

Has it been months or years since I last saw you? I don’t remember. Funnily, I don’t remember anything much, about anything in particular any more. I go out everyday, laugh, joke, eat, work, study, pass time, eat again and sleep, and in the middle of all these, there is nothing that I take with me for the next day, nothing I find even remotely significant to hold on. But I still remember that little shop we ate at one day, the face of the hawker, the feel of the benches we sat on, what I had worn that day, what we talked about, most of the memories flash by just like that. It’s a like a slide show. I stop sometimes, look at that picture, take in some of the finer details, smell the memory and then turn it on again. 

I have wondered time and again, even now wondering, do you miss me? or even think about me anymore? I now it is stupid to ask, but I can’t help it. Contrary to what my friends believe, I haven’t yet moved on. Even though I have tried more than the ways possible, still you come to me, unbidden and sudden, when I am least prepared, and take me wholly. 

I am thinking about the dream again, it was so nice, so pretty. I remember that I am angry with you because you are leaving and you are smiling. I see ur bags are packed and we are at the railway station. You laugh at my anger and then u take me with you, and I am so happy. The dream was so happy, I woke up smiling today.

You have always been like the air. Sudden. Strong. Sensuous. And I miss you today, more than yesterday.

Yours truly

Me…

A Prayer

Heavens above, break your dam,

Let it flood, let all drown,

Bleed your veins, let the nostrum flow,

Bow down to us, so you can be crowned.

Feel the heat of the sinews,

As the arms move,

To tear the fields, to pull the fruits.

Feel the rush of blood, as the heart thuds,

As the poet writes,

The first lines of his muse.

Tiny raindrops, draw an arc,

Divide two worlds,

From which none can go back.

The seeds of sorrow, reap flowers of glory,

Some shine on,

Some remain blurry.

Hear, what we say,

Look down, you’ll hear more,

Our pity, our woes are lullabies for all,

Don’t let us disintegrate,

To a half recalled lore.

Mystics and pashas, where are you now?

Come. Be the patrons of our joy.

We are the dreamers who built your city,

We are the craftsmen who gave your son toys.

Wake up for once,

Don’t you hear our cries?

It’s darkness now, the matchstick burns,

The future awaits for dawn’s soft light.

For the Sweet Unwanted

It’s 5 o’clock, and the crows are singing,

The sun is yet to shine

The movie just finished, credits rolling,

It’s now my sweet bed time.

The pillows smell of last night’s sweat

The sheets haven’t yet been changed

But once I lie, sleep comes by,

Dreams whisper in my ear,

No more nightmares I fear,

I sleep perfect without you here,

My sweet unwanted dear.

Waking up late, with the afternoon tea,

Grouchy eyes on the screen,

Browse through the pages, there is nothing to see,

I yawn, the bed looks inviting.

Last night’s rumpled and wrinkled sheet,

Life is simple as it is,

Philosophy; sounds better with some biscuits.

I smile as I check the inbox,

And wonder about affections gained and lost,

I grin as I read through,

Another day down, happily without you

Ajo achi.

Ajo achi,

Megher gorjone, shaliker dake,

Chhoto shishur misti abdare.

Ajo pabe amay,

Ful ar kurir majhe,

Kono bhule jawa gaye,

Tulshi tolae diper alo jokhon jege othe sanje.

Ami thakbo.

Bhulbe ki amay tumi?

Rekhona amay onno smritir arale,

Amar ostitter shakkhi hoe theko tumi,

Ami je asbo abar, shurjer kiron hoe,

Tomar kono ek ses sokale.

Untitled

What are the things that make us cry,

And what are your truths and my lies?

You say there is only black and white,

Dawn warms us from the cold of the night.

Let me cry for my fears,

I want to sleep with my woes,

We are fools to think we’ve lost what was dear.

And all my beliefs proved to be untrue.

Wake up my sweet, light up the world now,

Rise from slumber and see,

How the world changed in the blink of your eye,

Slowly fading towards eternity.

Confessions of Franky's Pet

What if I start to say, that forgetting you, is hard anyway.

So why don’t I start loving you again, and don’t care if anybody calls me insane.

I learnt what it is to live without love, rather how it is to live without you,

Stupid things I tried, when I know why, I cant be like what I used to.

Singing songs in rain, dancing. (Am I mad?)

When deep inside me, I am broken and sad.

But just for the sake of it, just for the people,

I ignore the waves of sadness, and also the ripples.

Damn! Now I hate you so much,

Yet I crave and still miss your touch.

And whatever everyone does, and whatever they say,

Can’t make me think of love the same way;

Incompleteness, yeah, that’s what I feel,

Everyday matters, seem so hard to deal.

Devoid of passion, I have no compassion,

This is the truth, this is me, your creation.

Frankenstein’s monster, that’s who I am

I live a lie, and I don’t give a damn.

The Last Chapter

Lets see where I left off, where’s the end of the last chapter,

Where do the rest of the words go, this has to end in shards of laughter.

If there was a story you wanted to be told,

A part of your life, which would be remembered always.

How can u choose to give glory to pain?

Love, after all, makes us live our days.

The road to heaven was wet with the rain,

The grass roots heaving a sigh,

The street lamps stand tall and blind,

And I see a girl in the arms of a guy.

Loves stories around the world,

Take a breather, and look hither,

May be u will find respite from your doomed lives,

A lasting memory, before u die and wither.

See how the girl smiles, see her blush in the moonless night.

I am dazzled by what I see

A distant bird cries out in flight.

Look at the man, bare, like a boy, walks with the girl, holding hands.

He feels the magic, of the loveliest blunder,

He reads a silent grace, for the holy man.

Looking around, I see everything.

The raindrops each with a tiny rainbow,

The trees, the dogs, the people passing,

Each in their own world, feeling high, feeling low.

A turn or two later,

A few I love you’s that mattered,

I see them walk towards the end of their road.

There was no you, there was no I,

There was no we to divide,

Just a song remained, never sung, never told.

And here I end my story of laughter

No laughs were heard,

But memories remembered.

20 Questions

I looked at you and smiled. We were sitting cross-legged; holding hands tightly, on the stone floors of a deserted house; far away. I heard the roar of a thousand seas and noticed how you winced, almost imperceptibly. Almost. I always noticed everything about you. I smiled to myself and pulled your hands. You looked at me, your face a strange mask of anxiety, and love. You had always loved me, even when I hadn’t.

“So tell me this then, who has the highest batting average in test matches?” I asked. You didn’t answer, but grimaced and rolled your eyes, stubbornly refusing to reply. I shook our clasped hands, “Come on, you know, I have told you this before.” I insisted. “This is not funny, stop this. You know I am scared. This DOESN’T help” you yelled back and looked away. I felt your hold tighten on my hands.

“Okay easier one this time,” I went on, ”who invented safety pin?” I said with a big grin. You looked at me with deep annoyance and parted those lips to say something, but didn’t. You rolled your eyes and looked away again. I laughed and continued, “Umm.. okay, at least tell me who is the best cat in the world?” I heard your laughter even before it started. And I wondered how I had wasted all those years listening to stupid rock concerts. “Garfield. Okay? Happy? Now stop.” You replied, and smiled. The way u looked, that deep gaze, I felt as if you knew everything and still so innocent about everything else.

“Okay last one”, I said, “gear up ‘cause this is the biggie”. I took a deep breath, proposals had never been easy, and I remembered time wasn’t on my side.

Another deep breath. “Tell me, will you marry me?” I saw with a pang of sadness, how your smiling eyes changed, they became filled with tears of anguish in a matter of moments. You hung your head. I couldn’t hold you because you still hadn’t let go of my hands. I heard a faint murmur, you whispered, “yes”. You looked at me. The smile back, the tears still present. You pulled me close and our lips met. The softness of your lips filled me with pure and complete joy. I could taste the salty tears and I knew whatever came, we would be together now. I didn’t hear anything else, didn’t feel or remember anything beyond that moment. We were in our own little “love bubble”, as you used to call it, and forgot the whole world. I knew you did too. There were no more regrets. I knew neither had you. I knew there was a better world ahead for us. I believed this. And you did too.

The distant roar wasn’t that distant anymore. The huge wave, matching a thousand seas, came crashing on the little house. In a moment, it conquered and destroyed, and left nothing for time to preserve. It moved on for its next triumph, leaving behind a sea of desolation and plunder, leaving behind nothing but just an ocean. It roared again, as it raged ahead for its next target.

Once Upon A Time..

The eagle takes flight. It aims for the zenith. It cuts through the air as it nears its one single vast expansive target. It crosses the field, a field with sprinkles of miniscule ignorant life forms. A gun shot. Dogs bark. The fall of the last of  the kings. The zenith remains unconquered for another day.

                       * * * * *                                             

The fire burns. Hungry. Merciless. Devouring all and everything. An angel of destruction. The fire burns majestically as the dry woods satiate its hunger. Hear the crackles. A child inhales the smoke as he cooks his meal for the day. A sudden strong wind makes the child raise his hand to cover the fire. A fire brigade rushes past the almost empty street. He looks for a while then gets back to his cooking.

                                                                    * * * * * 

Red. The color of blood. The color of the morning sun. The color to cry for, rejoice for. The color of passion and courage. But today it is the color of goodbye. The mothers and daughters play with the “sindoor”. The goddess smiles her frozen smile. She longs to join them but scriptures forbid her. Laws of man chains the strongest of power. May be some day she will, she believes. Is that a tear in the corner of her eye? “Subho bijoya” and they all threw red. I never found out.

                                                                    * * * * * 

“But I have a meeting, please understand. I will call u soon. I am sorry”, the boy hangs up without waiting for her reply. She is sad. She wanted this one to work. But for the past six months things have gone bad and beyond repair. She really wanted this to work. She leaves the keys of the apartment, takes her bags and with a last look, closes the door.

After a few hours and several knocks later, the door opens and a yell of “Happy Anniversary”. The empty apartment welcomes the surprise.

                                                                  * * * * *

The bus stops at the signal. The girl looks out. Her eyes meet the guy’s. A smile plays on both their lips. “Will he remember me?” “Will I see her again?”. The signal turns green. The bus starts.

                          * * * * *

People hurrying past. A chaos in a section, an argument in another. Yells and shouts fill the whole area. The boy looks around hysterically. He’s hungry, he’s tired, and…. and his gaze locks on the face of the most beautiful girl and he forgets everything else. The girl looks up and smiles. Suddenly everyone starts cheering. The priest chants as the boy puts vermillion on the girl’s forehead.

Discovering Shangri La

Life sucks big time. Yeah heard that, been there, (still there most likely). But there are good times, those good moments when life seems, well, heaven. Times when you feel the whole world centers around and everybody works for your euphoric approval. People fussing around you, and u sense that you are the queen of the world. Beautiful smells all around you. Lovely music in the background. And yes they are still busy, to make u beautiful, to make u feel beautiful, laughing, crooning near ur ears about how beautiful u look. But it all comes with a slight price. To know that consult the chart.

Don’t wonder more fellow readers, I went to a Habib’s store today and had a hair cut. And man! I look oh soooo pretty *blush blush*

So when's your date with the angels with scissors? :P

Healing The World - an essay on hope,love and coffee

Few days back, a friend of mine asked me, why do people love when they are not sure if it’s going to last or not, (most times it doesn’t though fortunately/unfortunately). And even though my friend’s question had a point, that point seemed to be in the blind spot of most people I saw. Because everybody was in the mission for love and nothing seemed to hinder the life-straining-tear-ducts-drying pursuit for the One, (or two, maybe three, I don’t know). This hara-kiri endeavor makes me wonder, is a human so fragile and incapable as a solitary entity and feels complete only with the company of another one, and not just anybody, the special branded one. I know human being is a social animal, but this current attitude of desperately-seeking-love seems to limit the social exchange between only two.

Now don’t think I am here to advocate love and preach it’s all mighty power to heal the world and so on so forth. I am trying to see if my theory does make any sense or not Honestly speaking there is nothing new to talk about it. If you are alive then you have felt love once at least.  Love is like a more complex stylish and miniature version of life, very much conditions applied. It’s the hot bath at the end of the day to release those knots on your back. It sometimes even is the morning coffee, (which I believe is the best discovery of man till date, how bland the world would have been without chocolates). Its like the first bite of sandwich after a whole day without food. (yum) So coming back to the question, why love when there is no telling when it goes poof? Sure the morning coffee and the hot bath (even a foot massage) sounds great, but they are not going anywhere till I want to. But love is beyond that restriction. Then why indulge in the self suffering and constant anxiety for the “next is what”? Lets take this example, if you had known what the match on the television would turn out like, you wouldn't be watching it, would you? The suspense keeps u going, makes you wait for the end. The “must see the end” keeps u awake till the wee hours of the morn and you don’t care if you feel sleepy. You stay awake to see your favorite team lift the cup, you cheer and hope that they do, but you also know for sure that you can never be sure. I suppose this is also the we human beings never stop loving, or more accurately, never stop trying to find love. Doesn’t matter how many bad failed relations we have had in our past, what does matter is the one right now, trying to make that work, loving someone, and being loved. Cause we all are blessed with that little thing in us, hope. And so we keep on hoping. hope to have a happy ending, hope to win the match.

So summing it up, if we hadn’t had the hope to bother with, maybe we wouldn’t have loved. If we hadn’t loved we would have never felt the need to make someone happy. If we never had felt that need we wouldn’t have had woken up early in the morning to make that special coffee for the special someone. If we didn’t have the need to make coffee, coffee would still have been a bean somewhere in some forgotten forest. And imagine where would have the whole human civilization be without coffee. Shudder to think about it.

I guess we really owe love a lot. It does heal the world (morning grouches are a serious issue).

School age to Cool-Age

Remember when we were in school? Geeky, clumsy, not sure whether to laugh at a joke or not, and how we all used to go starry eyed about life at college? To us, then, college was like the epicenter of EVERTHING nice and cool. It was where we HAD to be, and frankly, our life did depend on it. We decided then that we had to learn, to be prepared, beforehand, so we pulled up our sleeves (in some cases, we even cut them), and went ahead with trying out their “modus vivendi”. The result was something none of us is proud of (and will carefully omit the next time we talk ‘life at school’). We got caught bunking school. We got caught while coughing after a puff of the forbidden stick. And as the fear of everything that moved still persisted, so though we dared to wear cool belts and colored ribbons or a current hairdo when we dressed for school, we also made sure they were all gone by the time we reached the school gates. We wanted to be something we didn’t have a clue about and we couldn’t wait. The promised land beckoned to us and before we knew, it hit us.

Some one said it damn right, “little information is a dangerous thing” and how wonderfully it proved itself. Starting college the first thing I missed most was the ataraxis; school was a heaven which gave u peace of mind, filled with angels (though, with horns, fangs and claws) who did everything for you. There was no worries about notes or what-will-be-wont-be’s. There wasn’t any temptation to deal with about bunking an important class to hang out with friends, cause u just couldn't. Thus there was no tension about attendance and as a bonus, your nails stayed safe and looking good. (In college nail biting is a catchy habit. TRUE STORY.)  Due to the absence of uniforms, you end up always, ALWAYS being late, cause u can never decide what to wear, cause its either too bright, or too clean, or too old, or just not good enough for the day. It’s a never ending list of “before and after”-s and its heartbreaking to recount as well. Gosh!! I miss my school days, but mostly, oddly, I miss being told what to do. Responsibilities, my dear friend, are damn scary, very scary.

But wait! Lets not forget the crème de la crème of the promised deal : Bunking, the USP of college (or so they said). Lets suppose you got a bunch of college buddies, and u decide to bunk classes and watch a movie the next day. Pretty exciting, huh? Now here’s what happens. The next day two people have tests, one of them feels sick, the other has a private tuition to attend (which he completely forgot to remember when the plan was actually being made), another passes on 'verified' critical comment about the movie being bad. By this time the entire ambience has dropped below sea level and the plan’s cancelled.

Now, like always, we have the tragic heroes, who really wanted to watch the movie but alas! They go home sad. But there IS a happy ending, cause there is always one smarty pants who actually did bunk college and didn’t bother to show up. She stayed home, woke up late, and watched her favorite movie in her pajamas (which, by the way, are never “too” old).

Cheers to all bunkers.

Song of the Night

The night hums its own sad tune,
Remembering the past,its curse n boon;
As she spreads her cloak,from dusk till dawn,
I too find myself,humming her mournfull song...


From the shadows come voices more,
Whispering to me, their forgotten lore,
The wind sings a lullaby near my ear,
Of dreams and hope, love and fear.


The wait for the morning to come, and the dew to dry,
The bird prepares to take flight, with its morning cry,

But someone left last night, someone said goodbye,
And the night sings her song, and I sing with her tonight.

What The Heart Wants?

Good question. And just as all good questions go, this one too is hard to answer. Its not as simple as deciphering the brains wants and demands. Lets turn to science 99. we all know, like a civilized organ, the brain sends out proper signs and signals for the benefit of the concerned human being so that the said human being can act accordingly. Its clean, to the point, hassle free. Now the heart is a different matter all together. Try expressing yourself amid gallons of liquid rushing, swishing in torrents. You wont even hear yourself, forget about some one else getting the message. Of course if u talk fish that’s a different story then. I don’t talk fish as far as I know not even the fish talk fish. So coming to the point, how can anybody understand what the heart wants. Easy to “presume” but come on, presumptions are as perfect as the promises of the dear politicians from 3^rd world countries. and even if the presumption does make a touch down, your heart doesn’t order for my heart dearie, I might want the other flavor of the ice cream. So how do u actually make others believe that what u want is what they want too? Is it really possible to pull it off?? Before u say no, whoa! Ask Farhan Akhtar. Cause he sort of proved it, that it is fairly possible to do that. (yeah homie.. it’s a movie review!)

Watching the movie, after like one year, I saw things I didn’t notice before. It does talk about friendship, yes, but it actually talks about relationships. True we cant really relate to the super rich guy driving a Merc or the philosopher in the body of an artist, but it did give me a quick reminder of what I read in my social studies books. RESPECT ALL and SAY SORRY. The sort of new age friendship rule about “no sorry, no thank you” (seriously! who invents these stuffs!!)  is very illogical. What’s the harm in admitting your mistake, and is thank you like curse or what?? Aakash showed how cool it is to say sorry, (he also made goatee and spikes cool too, but this ain’t a fashion post and I am not a guy, so no comment on that ).

To finish this off, doesn’t matter whether u know what the heart wants or not, just keep those people close who will be there with u despite of whatever your bloody heart wants. After all “dost hai yaar”.. and where will we be without friends. Three cheers for Dil Chahta Hai…!!

FUNFACT : Wifey Kiran Rao made her acting debut in the movie!!!